“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” 

― Ambrose Bierce

Basically I was hurt by her speech. Yeap I was wrong, my actions was wrong and I admit it. Still, for you to have said those words, for those words to even come out from your mouth. I thought it was IMPOSSIBLE. Wanted to, needed to breakdown, but i found myself feeling chocked, holding back my tears who is waiting for the right time to fall. It really hurts to hear those words coming out from your mouth. I was wrong, yes I was but to say that you don't want to live with me when you grow old  stabs right through me. I could totally feel my heart hurting, didn't even realise that I was able to actually understand how bad it felt when your heart hurts.  Guess you are not even aware that what you said hurt me because you are well, angry with me.

SIGH, whatever, i think my periods coming that I am this emotional but whatever. Just so you know how much it hurts to hear those words coming out from your mouth even though you're angry. Trying to be better but don't know if those words will hold me down and turn into a grudge. sigh. coz some times, this words stops me from trying to change into some one better because I find no use improving myself when after all, that is the perception that you have of me. Studying hard and all this just to make you proud doesn't seem to matter anymore.  I don't know, for that 1 second, after you said those words, I feel that whatever I have been doing  this past 19 years doesn't make sense anymore. There is like that 1 second when I want to give up in live because yes it hurts that much. well again, guess you won't know because you're busy being angry at me and luring all those words without thinking a bit, just a bit about how I feel.

It's been a while since I felt the pinch to your scoldings/naggings. This one hit me hard. Now, everything doesn't seem right anymore. Hope this shitty feelings past fast. :/

Pilgrimage +011

Hi there, here's my super belated posts of my Pilgrimage which can be summed up in 4 words .BEST.PLACE.ON.EARTH.
In Sha Allah, Allah gives me another time to perform Umrah again and maybe Hajj too. AMIN. 

Let the pictures do the talking shall we? *ps click on the picture for a larger view okay?

IIP

Last post was on July 27, basically I went on hiatus for 3 months. That also means that holiday was over 1 month ago and reality sank in, I went to WORK (IIP). Sigh pie. I hate it. I hate working life, I wish I could just study errday. Seriously. Work was totally different. In school, we can eat anytime we want during meetings when the class is presenting. We can do whatever we want. However at work, time is fixated, calls keeps on coming in and lunch was unbearable! There was MINIMAL food around Tai Seng and it's been a month I worked there, I already brought home food. WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE 5 MONTHS! Work being a routined thing, I got really really bored fast. Thank god for fun colleagues, work was a little better. Still, the picking up of calls and complains that came in made my ears bled. URGH. I think that Im really not suited for the working life and i should really stick to studying even though i hate it too but it's STILL WAY BETTER than working. BELIEVE ME. In 5 months time, I'm graduating from RP and another set of reality will sink in AGAIN. Hope that my mindset of working life will change by then. Let's see how it goes!

As for life, it's been going urmm quite well, I GUESS. Minus the part that I feel lethargic the moment I come home everyday, it's been quite nice. Had a lot of things going on this past 3 months, one being my birthday. hehe. Turned a year older and wiser (i hope). Got quite a few gifts as well which are my favourites. hehehe. My Princesses surprised me at Esplanade before I went for Judika's concert with the help of my sister. The concert was well, also another small birthday treat from the sister! Another was a birthday treat from the family at One Market by Chef Wan. They took me by surprise when the employees came out with a cake (embarrassing max!!) and sang a birthday song. HAHA I really am a shy person, no joke. I really didn't know what to do when this kind of things happen you know? Anyone feel me?!

JB trip to Aunt's house with the paternal was good. Stayed over for a night was the perfect super short getaway that I needed. It's like anything that is out of Singapore even it's for a minute is really good. It's like your mind just escapes from all this complicated thoughts for a while, even if it's just for a moment. That is why I've always LOVED a getaway if it's not a holiday trip. Planning on a mini one this Dec, hopefully it works out! Amin. Another exciting news is that my dear cousin Abang Acos finally got engaged! It's quite funny to see him engaged when you know him personally, anyways congratulations to the both of them again! Below is my timeline in photos for the past 3 months. hehe, ENJOY!

Eve of Hari Raya Aidilfitri

time has been passing by too fast. too fast that everything in life seemed to just happen yesterday. in a blink of eye,tomorrow, we'll be celebrating EID 2014. in a blink of an eye, UT 2 reports are done and submitted. in a blink of eyes, 15 weeks of semester 1 is going to come to an end. in a blink of an eye, I am going to start my internship and am going to graduate from poly. oh how time flies. this pass 2 weeks, i cannot deny has been hectic. my week was packed with reports, school, iftar, spring cleaning for raya and what not. it was REALLY hectic. i even slept for 20 minutes, stayed up throughout the night not to watch my Korean dramas but to get my report done with the deadline being that morning. i even skipped half of CCO lesson to get my report done. oh wells, all that has finally came to an end when i submitted my report. boy was i glad that day is finally over. the most hectic year 3 part of my life has finally come to an end. it's only time when i start my internship and my PART 2 of hell is going to start. but fret not, Allah is always with me and i can always depend on him.

This year Eid's is taking a turn. our first day used to be this way, Granny's house, mum's eldest sister's house, granny's sisters house and mine where the paternal's will come over. this year, it's a total turn, there's no more granny's house that we will visit first and we'll be rushing home as the paternal will be coming over earlier than usual. totally feels different when all your grandparents aren't there isn't it? hahaha i don't know how i'm going to react to this years morning of hari raya. i don't know how to face my parent's, especially my dad since it's first year of eid without her mum. urgh I'm getting teary eyed as i am typing this down. :'( 

June update

I've been thinking about a getaway, to somewhere where there is only greens and oceans. Oh how nice will it be if i could escape from reality for a while during this period.

It's 16 June today, 13 more days to Ramadan. In a few months time, internship is going to start. Year 3 has been tough, very very tough. So I can definitely understand how RELIEVED those graduates feel when they finally graduated from RP. Especially during year 3, it must have been difficult for them because Im finally experiencing it right now. For example, right now, I am actually having my 2 weeks of June holidays but probably tomorrow, I'm going to start on my reports for UT 2. That is not all, for the fact that I have not 1 but 2 reports to be done in a few weeks to come makes me stress. Not forgetting that I still have practical UT to freak out on. This feeling that I have, is definitely nerve-wrecking. I really hope that all this is going to be worth it, the report, practical UT and internship. In Sha Allah.  Aside from school, life has been good this days, I really appreciate every minute of it and for the fact that ramadan is coming, it excites me really much. 

Blessed Day everyone. Xx.

Daily thought in life.

Ahh, in 1 month's time, June is approaching, fasting month is approaching, hari raya is approaching, UT is approaching, end of semester 1 is approaching and internship life is approaching...

Truth to be told, all this is really scaring me out. Really.. I don't know what to expect, what should I do. Reality is beginning to hit me really hard right now as I see how fast time is flying past. After all, this world is going to come to a stop, it will eventually come to a stop. You know, sometimes I ask myself, why do I have to study so hard when I know that the world is going to end soon... not now but it's really close.

It keeps me thinking for a while now. But as I sit and ponder, I finally understand that life has to go on even when you know the end is coming because the end is not here yet and LIFE HAS TO GO ON. Seriously, if you were in my shoes you would question too right? Why study so hard when dunya is temporary. Shouldn't we be preparing ourselves for akhirah? Why waste our time studying, working for a better position in the company etc when we are all going to die 1 final day? sigh. Just because you need to survive while you "wait" for the "end" to come. Like I say LIFE GOES ON. haha I still find it ironic how we cannot survive without money in this world, what a cruel world we are living in. Without money, we are all the same as dead. sigh. What ridiculous thought is this huh, late at night..

year 3 semester 1

YEAR 3 SEMESTER 1 STARTING IN 3 DAYS TIME. 

LAST LAP FOR ME, LET'S DO THIS. 

BISMILLAH.

Passing of a love ones.

"From Him we come & to Him is the return"

*breathes* well, hello there. It's been months since I last update and here I am with a drafted Mecca posts being put on hold because I feel that this is more important. :'( So, as some of you may know, my only 1 grandmother that I have left, on 13 April 2014, left all of us to meet the Almighty Allah SWT.  My hands are shaking as I'm typing this because I'm at the verge of breaking down again. Maybe a lot may have already experience what I have gone through, not having all 4 grandparents in this world and today, is the first day that I am experiencing it. Somethings change while the rest stays the same.

Truth to be told, I'm not as close as my dad's mum like how I'm close to my mum's mum because we don't live under one roof. However, I am heartbroken because we often came to visit her during her last week. I even took care of her for a night in the hospital with my sister and at home also, hence the feeling that I felt while taking care of my late grandma was there, exactly the same. Feeling so remorse that I could cry all night. My dad, he was a strong person, I never see him shed any tears in my entire 19 years of live and twice now, I saw him shed tears for his mum. The first was when we received news that grandma was really sick during our pilgrimage and the other was yesterday during tahlil. As her daughter, seeing my dad break down while trying hard to recite was really hard, I couldn't control my tears because he didn't shed any tears when my grandma passed away, not at all until during tahlil. I wonder how much his been holding it in, how hard it must've been for him.

Im really out of words right now, is this the feeling you get when you don't have any grandparents left? So heartbroken, shattered and lonely, it just hurts silently in the heart and no one else knows about it.

"Ya Allah, ampunilah dia, kasihanilah dia, maafkanlah dia, muliakanlah tempatnya, luaskanlah tempat masuknya, mandikanlah dia dengan air, salju dan embun. Sucikanlah dia dari segala kesalahan sebagaimana pakaian disucikan dari najis. Masukkanlah ke dalam syurga dan lindungilah dia dari azab kubur dan azab neraka. Amin"

#MH370

Sad news early in the morning. As you all might've heard about it, the Malaysia Airlines MH370 which was supposed to land in Beijing at 630AM did not and a high probability of it is that it crashed in the oceans of Vietnam. Reason why i'm typing this down is because my hearts not been in peace and i don't know why. heard this news in the morning and frankly speaking i could cry overtime i see news about it crashing, everyone died and stuff because its 237 people in the plane and there is 2 infants.  i just cant seem to handle it well even though here is no relative of mine involved in the flight but imagine the relatives of all the 237 people, how they might've felt and comprehend the news that their loved ones aren't coming back... i can't even imagine it if it were to happen to me, seriously.  it's 237 for Allah's sake, not 1 or 2 or even 10. :'( i don't know why this has affected me soo much but my tears was at the brink every time i read tweets/ig's/facebook posts about it. Like what they say KUN, maka Terjadilah which means that if Allah wants it to happen, not even the best plane or pilot or awards can prevent this tragedy from happening. SubahanAllah.

Lately, been receiving unpleasant news from around me and frankly speaking, i'm scared but i shall be strong and continue living life and let Allah do the rest. :(

Right now, my heart is still not at eased even though i let all my hearts out about MH370. Probably because this is not the reason why my hearts isn't at ease. Ya Alllah, aku mohon kepadamu, kau tenangkanlah hati hambamu ini, aku mohon perlindunganmu untuk aku dan keluargaku. Amin. I still just want to break down and cry right now, i don't even know why.  maybe i should sleep, hopefully that tomorrow will be a better day. In sha Allah. Amin.

LIFE

Hi guys, it's been AGES since i last updates this small space of mine. Anyways, months passed and it's already November!! November 5 to be exact, a month away to December. In 2 months time, its going to be new year. I wonder how did I manage to survive my poly life now that I'm in Year 2 Sem 2 and all I hear is IIP here and there. It scares the hell out of me actually, in 15 weeks I'm going to step into the real world for 5 months and it's called WORKING LIFE. *gulps*

Truth to be told, a lot has happen this past few months. THANKFULLY, more happy things happened instead of the unhappy ones. Alhamdulillah. Anyway, Hari Raya past really fast this year and looking at how fast time flies past scares me, really. 

Speaking of Hari Raya, this might sound a bit too late but better than never,  SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI to everyone who is reading this (if there is?) HAHA. Do forgive me if I ever did anything that may hurt you in 1 way or another. Halalkan my makan minum and pray for the well being of my family and me. Keep me inside your prayers okay, will do for everyone of you too. Amin. In sha Allah. Speaking of which, I learn to appreciate Eid more as I grow older. It really is not about the money any more but the togetherness that we all have when we meet our relatives all under 1 roof. It makes me happy. In sha Allah, to many more years of Joyful Hari Raya to come. Amin. 

Arwah Nenek and Atok, I MISS YOU BOTH A LOT. Really wish that you guys were here. You both will always be in my prayers okay. :'( Really miss you both. Everything about you guys.